'You, My Beloved,
And I'
* * *
Friend, I am not writing this for many, but you, me, and a few. I recognize some may misread this testimony to our Loving, thinking romantic or sexual attraction. Of course, Love can include all kinds of feelings, but this is more. Was I sexually attracted to you? Of course. Did romantic feelings arise? Maybe. But this is about more or I would not write this. Most would not understand, you know this, such a witness - any witness - of Ineffable Grace from before the mind, a Grace no religion or spirituality can teach. So, let us proceed to place in words some hint of our Love and Loving.
You were named, in human form, 'Linda', but I knew you as so much more. Our 'God' gave me the gift of companioning you to the threshold, what humans call death. But we knew more than names and appearances, for our heart saw and felt beyond the body and mind; our souls, we, communed and found haven in each other. Our time together was like a respite from what we humans see as reality. So, here, for reasons you know, I name you for a first time in my musings, with awe - you deserve it, I deserve it, we do. And there is no reason to hide how much I loved and love you, a Love I had known from early and toward the Christ. And, yes, I miss you, yes.
So, I have written of you, but now ... recalling that night - ... You there, I here, your body dying only five miles away, while you lie upon the bed. Body letting go its ancient hold. I said I would rejoice, for you asked me to on that last visit with you. I promised holding your weakening, soft hand. I recall the last look of you on that bed, weak and beautiful, as I looked back from the adjoining room.
So far, five miles, yet so near, even here, we, this night. I sleeping, waking, in morning light remembering our Love loving during the night - such celestial Communion! a taste of the Tasteless -, and I had not known this with another here in human form, not in this time. Our togetherness, I know untouched by death, and we enjoying sweetest, purest fellowship of 'Light'.
I taught you of this possibility, sitting in your kitchen, at the table, while I struggled to keep the space between us I thought necessary to be that companion for you - now, I would reach out, hold that hand, and let my eyes speak boldly, tenderly for you and of you, even without having to say a word. Do you 'somewhere' feel this speechless Love from me to you? This Love we felt and could not escape, many times over that year. Do you recall this, even now - there is, you know, a Feeling more than all feelings? A Flame arose simply by arriving into our presence - not yours or mine, but our presence -, could not be denied, an inalienable connection we finally admitted near the end, finally. You were the older, I the younger, but age did not matter. I was the healthy, you called the dying, and this, too, did not matter.
Then, after that night of delectable Communion, you leave the next day, you as I had known you saying 'Goodbye' to this world. But did you leave? I have still sensed your nearness after these many months, and your presence has come with comfort. What have you shown me about Love, you, still far, still near? You have told me I knew, you knew, and our life together goes on. How shall I reply? 'Welcome, and Thank You!' And what shall be my prayer? 'Please remain near, heart-with-heart, Dear'. Yet, of the mysteries outside the body I do not remember well, and I wish, if you need, to go on and trust me in time to our Source and Life. I would never want to cling to you, for our Love is not like that, such never is.
Now, possibly, you have become my teacher of these silent mysteries of Grace, a Fire burning with quiet, unquenchable Love - with 'God'. Or you shall lead me to another guide. Am I ready for this? Can anyone, ever be ready for a Love like this? And could it be that one can so love from the soul, the Self, that love of the body is no longer felt a need, rather a hindrance, a veil to this Love of which we share? Here, we live in Mysteries, at least here where I remain, until then.
With Love, Gratefully,
Brian
* * *
Whenever Love confronts us, we have only one of two choices, 'Yes?' or 'No?'. There is no other choice. In all my work with the dying, I have come to see more clearly, as my heart always knew, finally only Love matters now and always. Love is the Story we all are in, and some know this and surrender to be immolated in this amazing, firey Grace, while others chase other stories that lead only, finally, to disappointment. The choice is waiting, every day, each moment. It is that simple, 'Yes'.
* * *
The Sacred in Me bows to the Sacred in You
*Lotus of the Heart is an offering of Brian K. Wilcox. Brian authored An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love.
*Move cursor over photos for photographer and photo name.
